Last week in church our worship leader asked us, "what part of the pie haven't you given to God?" He wants our whole "pie." I hated that question then and it irritated me all week. Then we went to hear Rob Bell speak with several couples from our church. He spoke on suffering and how the question is not why, but what now? He talked about the Art of the Disruption, when everything in our life is turned upside down and our life story will no longer be what we thought it would be.
I'm honestly struggling, deep in my soul with accepting spina bifida for Melody, for me. I know what part of my pie God wants, but I feel like I wanted pumpkin pie and God gave me mincemeat. I don't like mincemeat. I don't want mincemeat. I'm trying to be okay with it and eat it anyway, but I have to choke it down. I feel like I smile and pretend I'm fine while inside I feel like I'm gagging.
Up until now trials in my life would come, but they would pass. That is how we console one another, right? This too shall pass. Melody's spina bifida won't pass. It will never end. Until heaven, it will never be over. Rob Bell said instead, "This too shall shape me." Yes, it will, but I find myself internally fighting it so much. I'm beginning to see what Melody's future story and mine will be like and I struggle to accept it.
I've prayed about it lots and I feel God telling me to just rest and trust Him. He has it all under control. I know this in my head, but practically it is hard to do. I'm such a control freak and action person, I'm not sure I even know how to let go, rest and just trust God. Yet, I don't like mincemeat and didn't want it anyway, so shouldn't it be easy to give to God?
Unfortunately, acceptance is not a one time event. Many of you are probably reading this and thinking I thought Sara had accepted spina bifida. I think I have at various times. Yet, it also seems that when I grow weary of it or another reality of what it means is revealed to us, I struggle all over again to accept it.
Funny thing is, when I hold my precious daughter and she smiles and coos at me. I realize she's just fine with it. She doesn't know any differently. Maybe she just knows how to accept and rest in God's arms a whole lot better than me. I suppose I'll be learning a lot more from my "Blue Eyes" before this whole adventure is through.
I am so amazed at your honesty. I think that you hit the nail on the head when you said acceptance will come in waves. You are an amazing mom and christian. Christ will lead you thru this. You might never like your mincemeat pie, but maybe someday soon some whip cream will be added to it and it wont be so bad. Praying for you and yours.
ReplyDeleteDear Sara,
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm Laura, 23, and I have Spina Bifida. I was very inspired by this entry, and I completely relate to your feelings of desperation and "loss of control" for your life and your daughter's life.
Even though I've lived with SB for 23 years, I have to say "acceptance" is a constant learning process. For me, there are aspects of SB I have learned to accept, and others that I'm still working on.
But, take heart! Although everyone is different, early intervention for people with SB usually means a better quality of life.
Right now, I'm a senior in college interested in journalism, and I write a daily blog called "Holdin' Out for a Hero," about my quest to raise public awareness for Spina Bifida.
If you're interested, I invite you to read my blog, and I hope it will offer you at least some insight on a young adult's life with SB. At any rate, I think I've found a greater purpose in life BECAUSE I have Spina Bifida, and not in spite of it.
This is the Web site:
http://willyoubemyhero.wordpress.com/
Sorry for the long comment, he he! May God continue to Bless you and your family, and my best wishes and prayers for little Melody's health, success, and happiness.
Sara- all I am going to say is that I am still praying for you all...I am left speechless without anything of real meaning or value to say. We love making faces at Melody and her making them back at us during church:)
ReplyDeleteI know this is an old post, but Laura you are an incredible inspiration! Checking out your bog (even if it’s older) and I hope you haven’t lost your passion for sharing how amazing you are! I have 2 special needs kiddos and if they decide to share their journey, I totally support it but want them to make that choice themselves so I don’t share it for them where it is public. I feel like you guys are anointed and special with a sense of perseverance the rest of us NEED to learn! Thanks for sharing here, as you are providing the light to parents of SB kids everywhere!
ReplyDelete