Dear Mom, On Your First Birthday in Heaven

Mom's Happy Birthday,WHEE!

Mom's birthday at her last Fields family reunion 2011
I love it because it shows Mom's true zest for life!
She loved having family reunion on her birthday. 



7/31/2013

Dear Mom,

Today you will be celebrating your first birthday in heaven.  I wonder if birthdays are celebrated there, but if they are, I bet it will be one amazing party and huge cake. 

It was almost one year ago you made the journey from here to heaven.  You had so many questions in your final days about what that would be like.  I wish I could talk to you and hear you describe what it was like when those “Pearly Gates” opened for you.  But, I imagine.  I imagine the joy and celebration when you first saw your precious Jesus face to face.  I imagine the reunion you had with your parents after all these years.  And I imagine you sitting and kneeling and rising without pain.  When I think about how wonderful it must be for you, I can’t justify wishing you back here.   

But, I do.  I miss you so much.  I have a phone message from you saved on my phone just so I can hear your voice.  I cry often when I think of all that we’re missing without you here.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe because I miss you so much. 

It is hard to believe it has already been a year.  A part of me wants to slow time so there are fewer days and memories without you here.  Then, another part of me wants time to move quickly until the day we are reunited again. 

Speaking of reunions, tomorrow we leave to drive to Oregon for the Fields family reunion.  Dad, Tim, and our family will all be there.  It was one of your favorite things and I know it is going to be so hard not having you there.  But, I know you’d want us to be there passing on our heritage of faith to the next generation.  And being with family is always a blessing, but this year is going to be a hard one for me. 

One of your greatest concerns when you were diagnosed with cancer was whether we would be okay.  Even at the very end of your life I remember you asking how we would get along after you were gone.  You were always worried about us. 

I just have to say, Mom, we are doing okay.  God never promised that we wouldn’t walk through the “valley of the shadow of death,” but He did promise that He would be with us.  And He has.  He has been our strength and the one we lean on.  We have each other, too. 

You’d be so proud of Dad.  Despite the fact that he missed you immensely, He has stayed busy and involved in life and found so many ways to serve the Lord.  In fact, I have a hard time catching him at home sometimes and he is so busy he says, “call me on my cell phone.”  That makes me smile.  He has visited all of us kids, helped with AWANA, attended Bible study, built cabins at Shiloh Bible camp, worked in camp kitchens twice, fenced the property and attended numerous community events.  Of course, the body of Christ at Cambridge Bible Church take good care of him and have him over often.  Oh, and he is going through a lot of your stuff, too, though I suspect that might not make you as happy.  As you knew he would be, he is such a great example of faithfulness, peace and trust despite the circumstances of life. 

Your grandchildren are one of the things that make me miss you most.  They miss out on so much by not having you here.  Oh, but you’d be so proud of them and be bragging and showing all their pictures and videos to as many as you could. 

David is now 15 and just finished his first year of high school.  He did very well academically, but we are especially proud of the decisions he has made and the maturity he has shown.  He is a pretty awesome young man. 

Elizabeth is about to turn 13.   It has been a hard year for her and I as I grieve the loss of my mother and she fights for independence from hers.  But, we are getting through it and it has been a blessing to see all the growth in her this year.  She continues to be amazing with Melody and making meals in our home.  She is a top student, too.   She had a couple music solos at school and I know you would have loved to hear her sing.  She just finished a musical theater production and loved it so much she wants to do more. 

You never got to hear Hannah play the violin, which she has taken by storm and excelled at this year.  I think of your choice of a violin solo for your memorial service and I know you would have loved to hear her play.  Hannah finished 5^th grade this year and continues to excel as a student and she is just like you in her knowledge of trivia, facts and Bible knowledge. 

Joel can’t wait to go to Idaho again.  He loves your house and all the toys you always had for the kids.  It was such a blessing to not have to worry about our kids at your house and know they would have a lot to do.  At 7 he continues to be a bundle of energy and he has taken up golf this year.  I would love to take you to a lesson with me and we could laugh together at his antics.  It is pretty comical.  He was baptized this past year and I only hope you could watch from heaven as I know that would have been such a special day for you.  Thankfully, Dad/Grandpa got to be here for the occasion. 

Melody still thinks you are “sleeping.”  According to her you are not in heaven, but at home sleeping.  Melody makes me miss you the most.  The fact that she will never really remember you breaks my heart.  So, we try and tell her about you.  But, also, with a disability life is not easy.  You need all the people you can in your corner.  I wanted you to be here longer to be in her corner because you were a powerhouse, the kind of person she needs in her corner.  But, also because as I struggle with being a Mom and hurting for my child, I wish I had my Mom to support me. 

I can’t really tell you all that is going on in Tim and Steve’s lives, but I know that they are doing well.  Tim keeps busy with his business and his church involvements.  We look forward to seeing him in Oregon.  Steve’s family got to go to Germany this summer and Georgia  and Steve climbed a 14,000 ft. mountain for her 40^th birthday.  Of course the kids are as cute as ever and would make you so proud.  We’ve enjoyed their pictures and video this year and are making plans for a Coats family reunion next summer. 

Most of all, Mom, I just want to say that though you aren’t here with us anymore, your influence and all you taught us lives on.  There are so many reminders in our home and lives of you and all you taught us.  I am so thankful that you were my mother.  I will be forever blessed by that fact, even in your absence.

Until we meet again in Glory,

Your loving daughter, Sara

 

6 Months of Silence

Silence

I've often noticed that when there is silence in a friendship, it means someone is hurting.  Something stressful is occurring in their life. 

The same is true in mine.  When things are going well and I'm feeling positive, I call people, reach out, make arrangements to get together, etc.

But, when I'm hurting or struggling with something, the opposite occurs.  I'm silent.  You don't hear from me. 

I've often pondered on the comment, "call me if you need anything."  The reality is, when I need something the most, that is when I will not call.  I cannot call.  That is when a call from a caring friend or friend who does some act of encouragement without needing to ask what you need, mean so much. 

6 months have passed since my Mom went to be with Jesus.  I've thought about blogging over those months, but what do I say?  How do I even begin to put feelings of grief and loss into words?  How do I begin to describe what life feels like without my Mom here? 

Silence isn't necessarily bad, it is a time for us to grieve and process.  A time to think things over.

It is also a reminder, that when we haven't heard from or seen someone, perhaps we should make the extra effort to reach out.  Chances are they need a call, a word of encouragement and a prayer. 

Who has been "silent" in your life lately?  Reach out to them today.  They still may not be able to express all that is going on, but a caring friend reaching through the silence to say, "I care," is always welcome. 

Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

A Treasured Gift

A couple of weeks ago we had the privilege of having the Coats family here for a mini-reunion.  We had such a wonderful time together.  This was the second time my entire family was able to gather since Mom's cancer diagnosis.  It was a sweet blessing to have that treasured time as I didn't know if my Mom would ever see our new home. 

While my parents were here, my Mom gave us the book she has been compiling on our family's years in Yemen.  We were blessed to spend 5 years in Yemen when I was in elementary school.  In addition to the life-changing experience of living in foreign country, we were able to travel the world.  During that time Mom kept journals and sent frequent letters back to family in the USA.  From those she made this book, complete with hundreds of photos. 

We are having fun reading through it, remembering the adventures we had in the 70's.  The biggest down side is my children asking when we are taking THEM to Paris, the Eiffel Tower, the Taj Mahal, Africa, etc.  Some things we remember and others we don't remember at all.  In fact, I think it should be stricken from the written record that I EVER owned a cat.  But, it is there, in Mom's book. 

This book is a treasured gift.  A complation of family memories.  But, more than that, it a reminder of a Treasured Mother and Treasured Parents who allowed us to have so many experiences.  To see that world literally and through Jesus' eyes.  To travel the world with three little kids when people thought they were crazy.  I believe it shaped who we all are today and gave us eyes of love for the people of the world.  I treasure that. 

Family Updates

There is so much going on in my life these days, sometimes it is impossible to keep it all straight. However, here are a few of the things I am asked about these days.

Melody - She finished active Physical Therapy and made great progress. We'll have a visit in December, but won't start active PT again until January. This is actually a blessing right now. Getting there two mornings a week was a challenge. Melody is starting to push up on all fours (crawling position), move herself across the floor either backward or foreward, sits and rolls over regularly. She has unorthodox ways of doing things, but she's getting it done. I have lots of exercises to do with her each day and am figuring ways to fit them into our routine and not forget them.

If we can ever get insurance issues worked out, Melody will be seeing the Orthopedic doctor for a follow up on her hips and going to spina bifida clinic for her next checkup there in December.

A House - Still no house for us. We were in escrow on one, but fell out due to the bank's failure to get us a letter on time. It came a week late. We have another offer being sent to the bank, but we have yet to see that house. It is a "subject to interior inspection" so you can't see it unless they accept your offer. We hope to see it soon. So, we will see. The market can go weeks without a any homes that fit our needs go on the market. Renting a home for awhile may become a real possibility in the new year.

My Mom - My Mom does indeed have pancreatic cancer. We are all still trying to wrap our heads around this difficult news and it's implictions. We know that she will begin treatment, but as of now, we aren't sure what that will be or when. It was caught fairly early as the tumor is blocking the liver and pancreas ducts, so Mom was turning yellow and itching all over from the build up of bile in her body. They have placed a stent for the liver to drain and given her medication to replace pancreas enzymes. Unfortunately, it is inoperable due to the fact that is wrapped around a couple arteries. Right now the goal is to get Mom feeling better. A couple weeks without sleep due to constant itching have taken their toll and her liver needs to rebound. She also needs to figure out some diet and exercise issues. Right now the cancer is isolated to the pancreas and at least one duct adjacent to the pancreas.

Travels- I will be going to Idaho this week with Melody for just a few days to see my Mom and Dad. It is important for me to see them, even for a very short time. My brother, Steve, will be there for a couple days as well and Tim, if the weather allows him to travel. In just a few weeks, at Christmas time, all our families will return for Christmas. There will be 15 of us total, so we are praying Mom is up to that by then.

Lego League - David's Lego Robotics team won the Grand Champion at the qualifier a couple of weeks ago, so we are off to Legoland in early December to watch them compete there. It is great to watch the kids work together. The competition is judged not only on the performance of their robots, but the kids teamwork, attitudes, spirit, judges questions, presentation skills and how they interact with other teams. We are proud of their academic achievements, but most importantly we are proud of the character these 10 students are showing.

An Old Fashioned Christmas- On the 7th at 7pm Elizabeth will be performing with her school in An Old Fashioned Christmas. She is so excited to have a solo and has been practicing Christmas songs for months. I love to hear her singing loudly and proudly around the house. If you want to come see her, let me know as tickets are limited and I have to buy them next week.

Crafting - Hannah chose crafts as her elective in school this year, so she is having a blast. A huge box of crafts arrived recently and she would have them all done by now if I would let her. We are saving some of the smaller ones for the trip in the car to Idaho at Christmas. Now we just need a house so we have a place to display them all.

T-Ball- Joel has 2 more t-ball games left and the season will be over. I'm not sure how much he has enjoyed it, but he has been a hoot to watch. Of course, the snack after the game is the most exciting thing for him. We're trying to figure out if he is left or right handed, so that has been a challenge as he switches. If I can get it off my phone, I have a picture of him in all the catcher's gear. Very cute.

All the Days of Our Lives

There is a verse in Psalms that says, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

All the days.

Not just the good ones.

All the days.

The day when you sit in an ultrasound room and the doctors say "spina bifida."

All the days.

The day when you hear your mother has "pancreatic cancer."

All the days.

The day you learn the cancer is "inoperable."

All the days.

The day doctors say "3-4 years with treatment."

All the days.

It is in the midst of these life altering and heart breaking days when I sense the goodness and mercy of the Lord.

My heart still aches, the tears still flow, I still get angry and upset.

Yet, despite it all I feel His goodness and mercy following me even in these days. His peace in the midst of it all.

All the days.

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6